Depression is a sneaky bastard!!!!

I thought I had escaped it, you know, depression. I though I had broken through bondage (kinky) and fled the facility my captors held me in. I guess at the time I had no Idea I was being held in a facility off the coast with jagged rocks, and roaring waves crashing against them. It seems almost like a scene from Shutter Island the way they have me locked in here feeling all INSANE!

How to describe Depression….

Let’s see..

It’s like a pressure…Not just any pressure it’s every pressure. It’s like it sits on your mind, it sits in your gut, and it sits in your heart. Any and every dream you could have or had seems like an impossible feat. Every hope becomes hopelessness. Every pain becomes a fatal bullet wound, and everyday you feel this way is a convicting sin that you just can’t seem to apologize enough for. You sit around wondering why you have to be so screwed up, and why you have to screw others up by being screwed up. It’s all your fault that you are a worthless no body, and no matter how hard you try, or pray, or dream, you know the truth is that everyone else can have a dream…Everyone else can become somebody but you; only for the simple fact that you ARE YOU! It’s like sitting around waiting for something to come save you, and knowing the agonizing truth is that no one even cares enough to see how alone, hurt, or void you are. Some days when I wake up I cry a little because I realize that I have to get up and suffer this feeling of regret all day.

It tried to creep up on me just a few moments ago, but when I signed back on after being gone for many moons, I read my last post. (You should check it out if you haven’t). It inspired me all over again to step away from my stupid little pity parties, and step back up to bat. The bases are loaded, and it’s still my time to shine! I almost let my dreams slip away. I almost let my anguish tell me to give up and give in, but the better part of me said HELL NO! You can’t just call yourself a revolution and think you can get out of it because you got a little distraught. No matter how many times this feeling of depression comes back, no matter how hard, I have to remember that the suffering is only temporary, and it is all in my head. Once I come back to, Life has gone on without me. It didn’t take a break because I was worn down by life. It said you stay and pout I got things to do.!

I think my motivation is that I don’t want my life to leave me behind. I may get depressed, but at the end of the period I want to be further than when it began. I want to know that my dreams are still going on even if I need to catch my breath; I want them to take that extra lap and meet me back at the starting line. That way, depression will have no more purpose in my life. It can’t make me upset about the things I have control over any more.

I am Ana Animal, and I Am A Revolution!

WATCH ME BEAT DEPRESSION!!!!!

Weak ends

right now it is 1:30 AM and I am doing everything humanly possible to keep myself entertained.  I keep finding myself taking random photos, and fighting off misquitoes AT MY DESK! I don’t understand why I am always the one being attacked. Anyway, I feel kind of  like  I am back in that weird limbo relm again. Things keep going in and out of focus, and I don’t just mean through my physical eyes.

Part of me is screaming to do something anything!!!! It wants me to break free of these chains and run… somewhere, any where. I always promised myself I wouldn’t be a nine to five, and yet here I am doing it back to back. Somedays I wake up a week behind myself, or a week ahead. I can’t keep my hours from merging, and it almost seems like my world isn’t even real. You know how the sky appears when it’s overcast. There is a slight glowing tint to the world, almost like you’ve been sucked into the white padded room of life and you can’t escape it. There is no strait jacket (why do they call it that?) yet you feel bound anyway, because no matter how far you drive or walk, or what building you hide in, when you see the sky, you will still feel like you are dreaming. I can’t help but feel like my world is made up of these things. Everytime I wake up, I’m not sure if I am really awake or not. Is this really my life or some sadistic nightmare I just can’t seem to escape? Is this what it’s destined to be? I REFUSE!

But how does one began a painting with no skill or training in art? How can you make haphazzard lines into a definitive master piece? Where do the questions end and the answers start making sense. Honestly I don’t have any idea. NONE. All I have is the idea that there has to be something else. Somewhere else, someone else out there. Better than this, here, or the me I am now. Unfortunately seeing the picture in my mind and creating it on a canvas are two different stories entirely.  I keep watching myself draw it but I just can’t seem to get it to work out for me. Sometimes I don’t even try because  I am terrified that I will fail, or that I am not that smart or good enough. And although my outside says it’s no problem my inside is laughing at my false confidence. But who isn’t scared of what MAY BE? Who doesn’t have a little pannic attack here or there? Who doesn’t have a dream they are afraid will never be real? I know it’s going to be tough, I may not like it, but if I do not try, what is there???

Words are nothing without a Writter.

Sound is nothing without a Musician.

Paint is nothing without a Painter.

And A Dream is nothing without a Pioneer.

So I choose to navigate the unknown waters of life, I’m deciding that’s it’s alright to be afraid, and ok to try. My father told me once,

“Everytime I talk to you Ana, you talk about losing weight. It’s something that I know you want to do, but you almost seem like you’re waiting for someone to tell you that this is alright. It’s ok sweet heart. Ana I give you permission to do it honey. It’s ok. No one is mad at you for wanting that. And they will not be mad if you do it.  You don’t have to be apologetic for who or what you are, as long as it’s your choice to be so.”

I never thought that I was getting in my own way, but I was, and when my dad said that to me, it was almost like I was released from a Hell I made for myself. Now I am making a change. I am saying things as if they already are.  I am doing things as if I have no limitation, and I am being, as if I always was. There is no turning back now. Freedom is not a state of mind or a piece of paper, or location. Freedom is a motion, a constant action that you consistantly have to work to hold onto. And once you have turned your dream into life, then you will truly be free.

I am Ana Animal, and I am a Revolution.

In The Beginning

So I’m happy to have found this site, and I am more than excited to get started. I have so many thoughts stock piled in my head that I started pushing out important things, like birthdays, and my name, but nothing too important yet. I feel like, for a while now, that I have been stuck somewhere in limbo between the real world and my day dreams. It’s like when you don’t sleep for days, and then you finally pass out, but you wake up to use the bathroom. Yeah, that feeling, most college students know it for sure and I’m sure workaholics do as well. I am not sure what I want out of life, seems like the only thing I am dreaming about these days are surrounding the life of a nomad, and I’m pretty sure they evolved for a reason. The one thought I can’t get out of my head is how the hell to get out of my head. I need to go, just pack what I can carry and run away for ever. I have no intention on just staying in one place, just the DESIRE to see everything.

well any way that’s for another post, right now I want to tell you what I did last night. I will give you a hint.

This is a set of my fav colors lol

Yeah it has some thing to do with rave gear, lol I’m sure you were like what the mess?

Well I am going to be going to Otakon next month, and for those of you who don’t know what that it, it’s pretty much an anime convention. Most people cosplay, but I look at it as an oppertunity to be me, and no get stared at, well at least by the attendies. I am going to have these leg warmers, but I have a tutu and corset vision in mind so here are the tutu’s that my sister, cousin and I built by hand.

without further adue???

                                

                             

                                                                                                

I showed them how to do it and they pulled it off. these skirts are so like that!!! well that’s all I have for right now. I am off to write a short movie script with my little cousin.

Ana Animal OUT!