right now it is 1:30 AM and I am doing everything humanly possible to keep myself entertained. I keep finding myself taking random photos, and fighting off misquitoes AT MY DESK! I don’t understand why I am always the one being attacked. Anyway, I feel kind of like I am back in that weird limbo relm again. Things keep going in and out of focus, and I don’t just mean through my physical eyes.
Part of me is screaming to do something anything!!!! It wants me to break free of these chains and run… somewhere, any where. I always promised myself I wouldn’t be a nine to five, and yet here I am doing it back to back. Somedays I wake up a week behind myself, or a week ahead. I can’t keep my hours from merging, and it almost seems like my world isn’t even real. You know how the sky appears when it’s overcast. There is a slight glowing tint to the world, almost like you’ve been sucked into the white padded room of life and you can’t escape it. There is no strait jacket (why do they call it that?) yet you feel bound anyway, because no matter how far you drive or walk, or what building you hide in, when you see the sky, you will still feel like you are dreaming. I can’t help but feel like my world is made up of these things. Everytime I wake up, I’m not sure if I am really awake or not. Is this really my life or some sadistic nightmare I just can’t seem to escape? Is this what it’s destined to be? I REFUSE!
But how does one began a painting with no skill or training in art? How can you make haphazzard lines into a definitive master piece? Where do the questions end and the answers start making sense. Honestly I don’t have any idea. NONE. All I have is the idea that there has to be something else. Somewhere else, someone else out there. Better than this, here, or the me I am now. Unfortunately seeing the picture in my mind and creating it on a canvas are two different stories entirely. I keep watching myself draw it but I just can’t seem to get it to work out for me. Sometimes I don’t even try because I am terrified that I will fail, or that I am not that smart or good enough. And although my outside says it’s no problem my inside is laughing at my false confidence. But who isn’t scared of what MAY BE? Who doesn’t have a little pannic attack here or there? Who doesn’t have a dream they are afraid will never be real? I know it’s going to be tough, I may not like it, but if I do not try, what is there???
Words are nothing without a Writter.
Sound is nothing without a Musician.
Paint is nothing without a Painter.
And A Dream is nothing without a Pioneer.
So I choose to navigate the unknown waters of life, I’m deciding that’s it’s alright to be afraid, and ok to try. My father told me once,
“Everytime I talk to you Ana, you talk about losing weight. It’s something that I know you want to do, but you almost seem like you’re waiting for someone to tell you that this is alright. It’s ok sweet heart. Ana I give you permission to do it honey. It’s ok. No one is mad at you for wanting that. And they will not be mad if you do it. You don’t have to be apologetic for who or what you are, as long as it’s your choice to be so.”
I never thought that I was getting in my own way, but I was, and when my dad said that to me, it was almost like I was released from a Hell I made for myself. Now I am making a change. I am saying things as if they already are. I am doing things as if I have no limitation, and I am being, as if I always was. There is no turning back now. Freedom is not a state of mind or a piece of paper, or location. Freedom is a motion, a constant action that you consistantly have to work to hold onto. And once you have turned your dream into life, then you will truly be free.
I am Ana Animal, and I am a Revolution.